So, anyway, last Sunday afternoon, Adam, Ben and I were hanging around the DCCC office, passing one, knocking back a DC Brau and helping Adam write his op-ed for CNN — and after that carnage was hosed off the floor, Adam decided to try to sign up on the Hillary Campaign Site for cheap lulz.

The headline on the masthead announced “This Starts With You”, which was bad news right from the git-go. After being asked for our full name, address, phone number, zip code, email address, credit card information, Twitter handle, HIV status and blood type — and dismissing half a dozen exhortations to send cash and sign up for an email list — we took ourselves a semi-ironic click on the Terms Of Use and the Privacy Policy buried deep therein. Hilarity ensued.

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…and, here’s some more classic Hillary action from the ‘08 Presidential freak circus:
Hillary In 2008! One More Bite Won’t Kill You, February 2006
Your Jackass Slate for 2008, February 2007.
Hillary Answers The Tough Ones, December 2007.

Continue reading "Hillary sez: “This Starts With You”" »

So, Hillary Clinton is taking another whack at becoming America’s Margaret Thatcher — as if we hadn’t seen this coming since about 2009.

A lot’s been made about the vacuous, smarmy campaign kickoff video, of course, but an equal amount of confusion and mockery has arisen around Hillary’s campaign logo. Aside from the fact that it looks like the logo for a plus-size women’s fashion warehouse outlet, there’s also the matter of the arrow pointing to the right.

It goes without saying that a lot of your denser Liberals and Pwogwessives are puzzled; one Pwog tweeted to the effect that it’s a mistake, and that the arrow wasn’t pointing in the direction Mrs. Bill wanted to take the country in.

Oh, for Christ’s sake, somebody tie me to a railroad track. Of course that’s the direction she wants to take the country. This should be obvious to anyone who’s been paying attention to Hillary ever since she carpetbagged her way into the Senate — with her support for US/NATO bombing campaigns in Serbia, her support for the Patriot Act, her support for Israel, and the way she damn’ near broke her neck rushing to support Bush’s crimes in Iraq. You’d have to have been living in a cave for the past fifteen years (this would take in most Liberals) to not realize what a horrid, bloody, greedy warmongering neocon authoritarian she is.

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Continue reading "I’m With Stupid" »

Y’know that old saying about how history happens the first time as tragedy and the second time as farce? Well, what happens if it happens as farce the first time? You know, like when Obama was first running, and all the Liberals were screaming about how if you didn’t support him you were some kind of racist, even though anybody who did even the most cursory examination of his background would’ve told you that the guy was a total sham, a lightweight who pretty much skated into every office he held, a classic Clinton Democrat, a flunkie of the Pentagon and Wall Street?

So, here comes Hillary Clinton, taking another stab at it now that Obama’s warmed the seat up for her, and I can just see it now, the same old shit — if I don’t support Hillary, I’m a mean old sexist Teabagger, even though anybody who hasn’t been living in a goddamn’ cave for the past twenty years totally knows the score on this nasty old harpie. Anyone who points out her involvement on the board of Wal-Mart, her support for Israeli atrocities in Palestine, her support for the disaster in Iraq, or her support for corporate dictatorship is going to get a bunch of shrieking from geezing old ’70s dead-enders who can’t talk about anything but Roe V. Wade and the Glass Ceiling™.

So, folks, would it be safe to assume that American Feminism is pretty much dead? I mean, c’mon — Glass Ceiling? “Lean In”? Roe V. Wade? Is that all you tired old broads have got for us?

But, more importantly — who’s going to hold Hillary’s crown while she takes the oath of office?

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Continue reading "God Save The Queen" »

Well, here we are not even six months after The Most Important Election Since The Last Mass Extinction Event and, like Christmas commercials during the World Series, the Democratic “stars” have already announced their intentions to make political hay out of the disasters they allowed to happen for the past five years — that is to say, announced their candidacies for the 2008 Presidential Fracas which, as any Democrat will tell you, will be The Most Important Election Since The Earth Cooled To A Temperature Conducive To Life.

So, what’s more to say, gang, except let’s get on with the slagging — uhh…that is, let’s look at some quick, elegant analyses of the “major” candidates (so far) on your Jackass Slate For 2008!

EDWARDS:
Ballsiest of the bunch, for sure, announcing the week after Christmas, and while doing what was obviously a staged photo op around New Orleans, pretending to help clean up a wrecked, wasted neighborhood and help some people get their lives back together, all while announcing for Big White Massuh’s House. Am I the only one here who, on seeing this guy for the first time, could only think that here was the new Beautiful Hair Breck Boy, and that if he were a C&W singer, he’d be getting more ass on the road in a month than most regular guys get in a lifetime, and just where the hell did he come from, anyway?
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE’S GOT BETTER HAIR.

HILLARY:
I don’t know which is worse — Hillary Clinton becoming America’s Eva Peron, or Hillary thinking that she’s Eva Peron. Anyone who’s seen the YouTube clip of Hillary meeting with Code Weak…uh, Code Pink back in ‘03, or heard her speechifying in the past month, will tell you that her skills at telling people shit they want to hear are still par excellence. Just five minutes of Hillary and you’ll know how the pancake feels when they lay on the Aunt Jemima. Will this be our ’90s Nostalgia — CNN once again being the Clinton News Network, NBC once again being Nothing But Clinton?
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: SHE’LL PANDER TO ANYONE.

KUCINICH:
(Full Disclosure: Your Cartoonist has been a hardcore Deadhead since 1978.)
Y’know, when Dennis Kucinich launched his “insurgent” candidacy in ‘04, I first thought “well, hot damn! He sure as hell won’t win, but at least he’ll put the fear of god in those DLC hoods!” This was, of course, before hearing about — and witnessing — his miserable, craven performance at the Democratic Convention, his supporters having their “Kucinich’04″ signs ripped from their hands and replaced with Kerry signs by DNC goons without any apparent sign of protest. No bolting the Convention, no boycott of the vote, no nothing, just Dennis Kucinich leading his merry band of phony “progressives” over the cliff with John Kerry (and Code Weak bringing up the rear). And now, as if this lack of effort was actually appreciated, here’s Dennis The Menace, back again, to suck all the life out of the American peace cargo cult — uh, American peace movement.
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE’LL WASTE THE LEFT’S TIME.

OBAMA:
(Full Disclosure: Your Cartoonist was drooled on by the Washington Post in 2002.)
Who else here saw Barack Obama’s beaming mug in the paper or on TV right about the time of the ‘04 Democratic Convention and thought, “Who the hell is this guy, and why are they drooling over him like he was a goddamn’ rock’n'roll star?” I mean, seriously, the guy was basically a nobody, then suddenly he was all over the goddamn’ place — kinda like a political version of an American Idol winner. No years of living on club gigs and peanut-butter sandwiches, no paying dues on the road as a backup act, just wham! You’re a star! Did anyone else here also find themselves reading the drooling and thinking, darkly, that the Donks were already grooming Obama for ‘08, and that he was here not to actually do anything for African America, but to give Geezin’ Old White Liberal America something to feel good about — so they can go back to not really giving a shit about what’s happening to black and brown people in this country and when anybody calls them on it, they can say “hey, gimme a break! I voted for Barack Obama!” The only Black constituency I can think of who’d possibly go for Obama would be what I like to call the “Ebony Magazine Demographic”.
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE’LL KEEP SERVING “CAPITAL”.

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Kucinich, medium-res jpg image, 516k
Obama, medium-res jpg image, 452k

Continue reading "Your Jackass Slate for 2008!" »