OK, US media – and aerospace-related trade media, I’m especially looking at YOU – it’s time to cut the goddamn crap and quit calling these knobs “private astronauts” and call them what they are: “rich-ass motherfuckers who can afford to have themselves shot into space”, especially this Isaacman clown who could afford to have himself shot into space twice, and on the second flight performed the most useless-ass excuse for an EVA ever. Even Alexei Leonov was out longer, and actually managed to gather significant scientific and engineering data while in the process of getting back into the spacecraft without accidentally killing himself.

But yeah, sure… the standard-issue tech entrepreneur who has near-zero training or experience in aerospace engineering or program management or flying high-performance jet aircraft at all but who made himself a massive pile off a payment processing company he supposedly started as a teenager in his parents’ basement (your standard tech-bro rags-to-riches saga) and so was able to pay to have himself shot into space twice and who is best buds with Elon Musk is, according to the Donster, the ideal choice for NASA Administrator. Yeah, that’s right — the goddamn “private astronaut”.

We’re fucked on Earth, and fucked in space.

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Da, komrade, and then ve are takink kare of Moose and Sqvirrel!

Oh, f’crissake, are they shittin’ us with this mess? Are they really that desperate to take our minds off THE GODDAMN GENOCIDE? “Unspecified dire risk”? Really? Unspecified? BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAHHHH. Yeah, Russian Space Threat Emerges — straight outta the asses of “U.S. Officials”. D’AAHH HA HA HA HA HA… So, what’s next, guys — the “Missile Gap”?

Dear GOD, they really are reaching now; they couldn’t look any more desperate than they do at this point, serving up this exhumed, warmed-over, hoary-ass old McCarthy Era droolage. Why don’t they just give it the hell up?

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“With a test like this, success comes from what we learn, and we learned a tremendous amount about the vehicle and ground systems today that will help us improve on future flights of Starship. Thank you to our customers, Cameron County, and the wider community for the continued support and encouragement. And congratulations to the entire Space team on an exciting first flight test of Starship!”
— SpaceX statement 04.20.2023

“Where’s the KABOOM?
There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering KABOOM!”
— Marvin The Martian

So, I was hitting some sativa bud and banging my head on the table the other day trying to shake loose a decent France uprising cartoon, and THIS weirdness fell out. I’d given up on a France cartoon at the moment and was just doing my daily space geekery, reading about the spectacular SpaceX launch failure and the attendant “hah, I MEANT to do that” spin from SpaceX, when I found my train of thought wandering to the Twitter valuation crash and the Paid Blue Check shitshow and was suddenly, like…

…like, yeah; Musk was really laughing off the Twitter valuation and the hot mess about the paid Blue Check accounts that’s been all over the news lately, and then a day or two later another one of his goddamn Starship tests goes sideways on him and the SpaceX PAO flacks are babbling a bunch of balloon juice about how much they learned today, and it was one of those moments of inspiration and serendipity that screamed “quit twisting your panties trying to think of a France cartoon for a moment and jump on THIS shit, man! Here it is!” Like, yeah — crashing and burning, in metaphor and reality.

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So, Jeff Bezos thinks he can tug at my old Boomer heartstrings by sending up 90 year-old William Shatner (and his toupee) on Blue Origin’s latest suborbital joyride, while continuing to shit on his workers and dodge taxes. Meanwhile, Elon Musk has opened new vistas in whiny excuses for not paying taxes on his obscene wealth by puking up a bunch of balloon juice about Mars and “the light of consciousness”. Nice try, guys — but, no. Also a big “no” to these guys at the Space Review trying to spin it as an important insight into the effects of microgravity on old rich and famous people.

My plan is to use the money to get humanity to Mars and preserve the light of consciousness

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) October 28, 2021

And elsewhere in the Space Review, one of their regulars can’t shut up about the “normalization of space tourism” — for anyone who’s so goddamn rich they have the price of a long weekend at the ISS lying around under their sofa cushions.

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