Warehouse Plans
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If you’re the kind of person who’s up to their goddamn neck with seeing millions impoverished and immiserated by capitalism (and I know I am) the news of the rash of warehouse arsons a couple of weeks back – including a $600m whomper in California – put a smile on your face.
As luck would have it, however, Trump’s blockade of the Iraninan blockade of the Strait Of Hormuz (you’re it, no tagbacks!) is pushing gasoline prices higher by the day, meaning that simple arson may soon be out of reach of your average pissed-off working-class wage slave.
So, as any good revolutionary would do – adapt!
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Starring in order of appearance: Some Harvard Economics dweeb, author of “Some Crap You Bought To Read On The Plane”; some wild-ass up-all-night, Monster Energy-guzzling, stock-market playing Wall Street geek, author of “Some Crap You Bought To Read On The Plane”; and some shallow, glitzed-up ex-Chamber Of Commerce honcho who’s now the executive director of some big-ass retailers’ association, author of “Some Crap You Bought To Read On The Plane”.
Inspired by a lively, witty exchange between some pals on Bluesky a couple of weeks ago, riffing on business media pundit shartage.
(At this point, has there ever been a panelist or Guest Contributing Analyst on The Network Formerly Known As MSNBC who hasn’t been pushing a book on the air lately?)
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Capitalism: 404
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When I first got the word going around that the Citibank building in Dubai had been bombed, my first thought was “will I still have to pay my bill next month?” Then, one after the other, like Santa Claus dropping goodies on nearly every company involved in surveilling the Palestinians and supplying military intel to Israel – data centers for Amazon, Apple, Microsoft, Palantir, Oracle, Citibank… I couldn’t not pretend to enjoy capitalism’s reaction when the only thing it truly values gets the living shit blasted out of it.
“We’re sorry, but ‘Capitalism’ is 404 at this time…”
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Victories Pour In
(That Melania doc sure was a massive W if ever there was one. 11 x 17 inch medium-res color .jpg image, 1.2mb)
Does having to close the Kennedy Center after shitting all over it count as a victory? How about making a laughingstock of yourselves by shitting your pants over a Super Bowl halftime show? Or, how about alienating most of America – and the Earth – by shitting on the remaining credibility of every major American institution? Honestly, I thought it was a parody when this stinkburger of a statement first hit Bluesky earlier this week, until I traced it down to “X” and started spotting it all over the papers about the same time. Dear god, does his staff just let the sonofabitch write his own goddamn press releases, just blurt out whatever he feels like on his tr00th.social accounts without taking him aside and giving him pointers on how not to write like a goddamn 1950s B-movie dictator? “Victories pour in”…? oh, man, you can almost imagine him mush-mouthing it out in that smarmy, 19th-hole happy-hour, three-martinis-into-it NYC real-estate hustler voice.
“Distract, depress, and divide”? Oh, christ, are they channeling Spiro Agnew now, too? And that “Don’t Be A Panican” headline – where the hell are they getting that shit? What’s the next communiqué going to open with – “Turn That Frown Upside Down”?
Sadly, the recent flurry of media rumors of El Presidente crapping his pants at a recent White House press event turned out to be false, as somehow pants-crapping seemed a perfect metaphor for the current state of American politics and society.
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