“In Trump’s orbit” seems to be the favorite phrase of all the “cool kids” in the media right now after his positive COVID-19 test, rapidly gaining ground on the ever-popular “existential threat”. Without even trying, I returned an entire page of search results from newspapers, magazines, media all over the country sporting headlines or ledes with the phrase “in Trump’s orbit”. You could play a drinking game with it on cable news, but you’d end up in the ER.

So, while the media were beating this poor, misbegotten phrase to within an inch of its life, I had to ask — what, exactly, is “in Trump’s orbit”? The answer, of course, was instantly clear — spent rocket stages, dud rocket stages, derelict satellites, tools lost overboard from ISS spacewalks, the odd NRO top-secret payload, drifting fields of orbital collision debris, a Tesla roadster… wait, wut?

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So, aaaanyway… everybody and their cat have been speculating for months about what they think the “October Surprise” will be in this campaign, and wot’tha FUUUUU—

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At this point, I’m really wishing the Democrats would get some new material. They’ve been shoveling the same old scaremongering, guilt-tripping, alarmist hype and platitudes since at least 2000 — and I mean almost the identical stuff, except with “Trump” substituted for “Bush”.

A single afternoon on Twitter served me up at least a dozen different versions of the hoary old chestnuts about the Supreme Court, the Lesser Evil, unity, and how this is The Most Importantest, Crucialest, Double-Yum Specialest Election Ever Since The Earth’s Surface Cooled To A Temperature That Could Support Liquid Water, Really, Honestly It Is, We Mean It This Time. It was like 2004 all over again.

…and now I’m thinking cripes, man, we could play Bullshit Bingo with this mess.

Get your own set of 20 DNC 2020 Election Bullshit Bingo Cards after the jump:

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After observing the behavior and positions of Joe Biden, the Democrats, and their supporters, I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that Senator Nothing Will Fundamentally Change is going to lose, and bigly. Beaten like a drum. Roasted like a nut. Smoked like a roach.

…and I’m going to be so goddamn there for it.

(special thanks to Gallifreyan Jedi for the inspiration.)

“US Elections Rank Last Among All Western Democracies”, Electoral Integrity Project 01.07.2017

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