“Those who play with fire will only get burnt… We hope the U.S. side can see this clearly.” — Xi Jinping, to Joe Biden, 07.28.2022

Y’ever get Chinese carry-out and play that stupid game with the fortune cookies where you scribble the phrase “in bed” at the end of the banal faux-Confucian “fortune” in a childish effort to make it sound “dirty” somehow?

Oh, c’mon; I know y’all have done it. I’ve done it a bunch — and that kind of puerile, low-brow joke seems a fitting analogy to portray the arrogance, hubris, hypocrisy, belligerence, recklessness and straight-up stupidity of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and her Provoke World War III If It’s The Last Goddamn Thing I Ever Do Tour this week. It’s as if her staff went out of their way to script the most irksome, provocative, sabre-rattling batshit takes they could possibly come up with for her, as if they just followed her around with an mp3 recorder and transcribed everything the old bat queefed out.

The really sad thing about Pelosi, Blinken, Biden and their ilk, though, is that they really, honestly think they’re the greatest goddamn thing on two legs. They really do think people are impressed with this horseshit.

Still, as an American, I have to appreciate the Speaker keeping me briefed in on who “America” is standing with right now. Between standing with Israel, the Uyghurs, the Ukraine, and now Taiwan, it’s looking like this “American” is booked pretty solid these days.

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“You don’t need to be a Jew to be a Zionist,” said Biden in his opening remarks. “The connection between the Israeli and American people is bone deep… I am proud to say that US relations with Israel are deeper and stronger than they have ever been.”
—Al Jazeera, reporting on 07.13.2022

“Bone deep”? …as opposed to the connection between the Ukrainian and American people, which is more “skin deep”, I’m guessing…?

Yeah, the sonofabitch said our connection to filthy, murdering Israel is “bone deep”.
He’s actually more or less right, y’know.

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Gropin’ Joe has made it abundantly clear at the AFL-CIO convention a week or so back that he plans to beat that “Putin’s Price Hike” horse until it’s either dead or people actually start believing that horseshit. We promised Gorbachev we wouldn’t expand NATO, then promptly spent the better part of the 1990s expanding NATO to Russia’s front stoop and fomenting pro-US regime-change “color revolutions”, but yeah, sure, Joe — it’s Putin’s war. Sonofabitch plans on distracting us from his horrid performance and our wartime austerity pain by blaming Putin for everything but the Mariners dragging ass in the AL West.

So — you heard it here first, kiddies. Supreme Court just stripped your reproductive rights? Putin made ‘em do it. That asshole boss at Starbuck’s who just canned you for union organizing? Putin did it.  Those pals of yours who promised to help move that sofa last Saturday flaked on you? Putin. That raging hottie you’ve been dating for the past 2 months just put you in the Friend Zone? Yeah, that’s right, my dude — fucking Putin.

Dude’s been one busy motherfucker lately, gotta give credit where it’s due.

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“What is HIMARS?” asked an Al Jazeera “Explainer” feature about a week or so back, and it actually got me seriously wondering… what IS the High-Mobility Artillery Rocket System? I mean, like — what exactly the hell goes into this beast? Didn’t take much searching and reading to reach the answer fairly quickly — our COVID relief, our universal healthcare, our minimum wage raise, our student debt cancellation, our eviction moratorium…

…and with that in mind, to clear up all the brouhaha about these death factories we’re selling to the Nazi-infested Ukrainian state, I offer this meticulous infographic, precisely labeled, detailing the features of this helping hand we’re extending to all those feisty little old Ukrainian ladies hunkered down in their basements, mixing up the Molotovs and learning how to handle an AK.

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