We’re hitting a record for COVID-19 deaths, unemployment is sky-high, another wave of evictions is hitting, the fascists are still running wild, the police are still mass-murdering Black people, but yeah — let’s impeach Trump — and find some obtuse, other-worldly reason to blame Russia while we’re at it, because what the hell.

Cripes, how the hell does that even work? The guy’s been out of office for nearly a week. If the Senate votes to convict, how do they punish him — revoke his Secret Service protection? Sieze his Federal pension? Prohibit him from running for office again? The “spanking machine”?

MSNBC commentators and guests this past week have been blurting out the word “democracy” so often you could play a drinking game; meanwhile QAnon, Patriot Prayer, the Proud Boys and the rest aren’t just going to pack it in and go home because Trump’s been bounced out of the White House…

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So, after all the thrashing and banging and cheap theater, the next one-time stimulus check will be a whopping-ass means-tested $600. For all the people who are sick and dying of COVID19, who are about to lose their jobs and homes, SIX HUNDRED DAMN DOLLARS.

Mind you, they practically broke their goddamn necks to approve a $740bn war budget, but for everybody out here sick, dying, unemployed, homeless…? SIX HUNDRED DAMN DOLLARS.

Luckily, we all have plenty of “understanding” to pay for our rent, groceries, utilities and COVID19 shots.

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God, I miss Trump already — yeah, I said it, and I’d say it again if I had to. The sonofabitch isn’t even out of office yet, and I already miss him. I miss the breathtaking, aggressive stupidity, the comical blustering, and those tweets. Oh god, yeah, those tweets — every one a solid nugget of pure comedy gold.

I really was hoping for another four years of those little classics, but no luck. Instead, we’re in for four years of banal, empty, platitudinous bilge — like this little stinkburger, where he takes forever just to tell us that all we’ll likely get for coronavirus relief is another measly-ass $1200 check, and that otherwise we can go fuck ourselves. Christ, it looks like something off an old 1970s cat poster.

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“In Trump’s orbit” seems to be the favorite phrase of all the “cool kids” in the media right now after his positive COVID-19 test, rapidly gaining ground on the ever-popular “existential threat”. Without even trying, I returned an entire page of search results from newspapers, magazines, media all over the country sporting headlines or ledes with the phrase “in Trump’s orbit”. You could play a drinking game with it on cable news, but you’d end up in the ER.

So, while the media were beating this poor, misbegotten phrase to within an inch of its life, I had to ask — what, exactly, is “in Trump’s orbit”? The answer, of course, was instantly clear — spent rocket stages, dud rocket stages, derelict satellites, tools lost overboard from ISS spacewalks, the odd NRO top-secret payload, drifting fields of orbital collision debris, a Tesla roadster… wait, wut?

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