From the party that brought you DNC Dog Food, New Blue Money Detergent, Blue Box Chardonnay, and their Premier Donut Assortment now comes — DNC Ramen! Just the thing to blow that big-ass $2000 — uhh, that is, $600 + $1400 — stimulus check that we were supposed to be getting. Never mind that Gropin’ Joe, Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock came right out and said in front of god and everybody that their being elected would allow the immediate passage of $2000 per person in Covid’19 relief.

That would be two thousand —count ‘em — two triple-zero dollars. Not the measly $600 and the “oh, alright” $1400 after that, which is what Snopes uses to give its master class in triangulation and “meaning of is” asshattery in an attempt to “fact check” what Biden & Bros said right in front of our personal faces. Luckily, we now have fact-checker checkers.

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DNC Ramen packet: the product shot, 10×8 inch medium-res color .jpg image, 772kb

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So, after all the thrashing and banging and cheap theater, the next one-time stimulus check will be a whopping-ass means-tested $600. For all the people who are sick and dying of COVID19, who are about to lose their jobs and homes, SIX HUNDRED DAMN DOLLARS.

Mind you, they practically broke their goddamn necks to approve a $740bn war budget, but for everybody out here sick, dying, unemployed, homeless…? SIX HUNDRED DAMN DOLLARS.

Luckily, we all have plenty of “understanding” to pay for our rent, groceries, utilities and COVID19 shots.

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Come join the winner of the 2009 Nobel “Iron Chef” Prize on a culinary review of three years of the Hope’n'Change Administration. Bon Appetit!

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Assembly instructions:
1. Print two-sided on 11×17 “full-bleed” color printer.
2. Fold in thirds so that the panel with the old Metro car and the title “Chef Barack’s Famous Democratic Diner” shows as the front cover.
3. Et voila!

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So far as most of us can tell, the “economic stimulus” plan issuing from The Office Of The President-Elect (snicker) includes the most staggeringly pants-pissing amounts of cash to prop up failing corporations, banks and executives, and jack for the rest of us, unless we’re prepared to summon up some cajones and engage in a little good old-fashioned shop-floor smackdown, like those laid-off screen-door plant workers in Michigan.

On the local level, here in DC, as Inauguration Day – or, as now known to some, Barack Obama Day – approaches, The One’s economic stimulus program for DC has finally begun to jell; according to The Office Of The President-Elect (smirk), this plan will take a two-pronged approach: one prong for the quite well-off, and another big prong for the rest of us…

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