The week that the Reagan Mob won the MX Missile appropriation vote, Time Magazine had Reagan on the cover, at his desk in the Oval Office, smiling that nasty, crooked, lipless smile (how is it that our last three Repuglican Presidents: Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II, all had nasty, crooked, lipless smiles?) holding the tally slip recording the roll-call vote on the MX system. I first caught sight of that cover one night in the check-out rack while waiting to pay for some beers down at the drug store and thinking jeezus, why don’t they just run a foto of him with his dick in his hand?

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“Survival kit contents check! In them you will find: one 45-caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days’ concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleepin’ pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature combination Rooshian phrase-book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewin’ gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair’a nylon stockin’s… shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff…!”
–Slim Pickens, as Major Kong in Kubrick’s Doctor Strangelove.

Actually, to be honest, I actually wasn’t consciously trying to directly mock Kubrick in this piece — I hadn’t seen Strangelove in some years, not since early in college — but was whacking on the whole media-manuafactured image of Reagan as some good old cowboy type; at the time, it seemed like every other issue of Time or Newsweek or the magazine supplements in the Sunday papers had some glorifying portrait shot of Reagan in his old buckskin jacket and his big ol’ hat sitting on a horse at his ranch, looking all raw-boned and macho, ready to fight Ivan with just his ol’ six-guns

This was picked up in the late spring of ’81 for the cover of the Yipster Times — or, the Overthrow, as it was renamed in early ’80, to commemorate the fall of the Shah Of Iran. This, in my opinion, wasn’t such a hot move as even though the Shah was walking scum who got what he deserved, his replacement by an opportunist gang of theocrats wasn’t exactly what everybody was hoping for. Besides, I thought, Overthrow just didn’t have the same kind of upbeat, laid-back “ring” as the name Yipster Times. I thought Overthrow sounded like the name of a ‘zine put out by the Maoist International types, or the Spartacists, or one of those other teeth-grinding vanguardist outfits.

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Finally on a roll at the Yipster Times. Before you start laughing, 13.9% was a ball-buster for a mortgage in 1981, at least as I recall — even for the “fixer-upper” portrayed below. This was about the time that the legendary Largest Arms Buildup Since The First Cold War was being cranked up, about the time the air-traffic controllers’ union was busted, and real wages first began its long, slow slide into the toilet.

Our “leaders” were hitching us back up to the war machine, our wages were hitting the dumper, but at least the goddamn’ Rooskies couldn’t get us.

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Ahh, the re-emergence of conservatism. Morning in America. A great time to be an American, as long as you were rich, well-connected, and/or a raving religous freak — like the Rev. Jerry Falwell of Lynchburg, VA (creepily, right near where I went to college) who suddenly was a nationwide rock’n’roll star who pissed on the separation of Church and State the First Amendment, and who was insisting that “what Jesus would do” would be to build a couple of new aircraft carriers and an orbital missile defense system and station a naval task force in the Persian Gulf…

This piece states what I think Jesus would’ve done, which, in keeping with proper conservative fiscal policy, would be to save a buttload of cash by converting all those cute little old Baptist churches out there with those cute little old steeples into missile silos, as long as we were in the process of bringing God back to government.

Seriously, though… could you imagine being in your pew one Sunday morning when the klaxons go off in town and the preacher unlocks the cover on the firing button and cuts that sucker loose? It’d probably look like that one scene in one of the early Planet Of The Apes sequels, which sucked (but then, all sequels suck, pretty much), but had this one memorable scene where a bunch of second-generation mutant survivors are in a makeshift church where there’s a single, unfired, loaded missile launcher at the pulpit; all the “congregation” are singing this nasty discordant hymn, and the “minister” finishes the service by mashing the “launch” button. Well, that one scene was really cool — even though the rest of it sucked — and, anyway, that’s what it’d look like.

That’s all, folks.

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