By this time, I trust most of you have seen the infamous Mitt Romney video in which he writes off 47% of the voters — especially those of you who watch MSNBC, who’s been replaying it over and over so many goddamn’ times it’s turned into pornographic wallpaper. The ironic thing is that Mittens got it right, but for the wrong reasons.

While it’s certainly true that at least 47% of voters will vote for Obummer no matter what, it won’t be because of the reasons that Mittens cites — decent healthcare and housing, and such. They’ll vote for Obummer in spite of his picking up where Bush left off — in spite of Obummer’s continuing assaults on civil liberties, his attempts to dismantle Social Security and Medicare, his continued mass murder of civilians overseas, and his bailouts of bankers and Wall Street.

No Liberal in this country has to worry about his home being bombed by drones, or being snatched off the street and indefinitely detained because of any threatening dissident activities, or about the lack of a pension or decent health insurance — so, Liberal America can ignore Obummer’s massive crimes at home and abroad and concentrate on your typical standard-issue affluent Liberal issues, such as gay marriage and abortion rights… and, yes, they’ll vote for Obummer, no matter what.

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Continue reading "I Am The 47%" »

The other night, a nasty old man got up in front of the whole country and yelled at a chair for upwards of five minutes. Normally, I’d consider this a new all-time low in American politics, except that the Democratic Convention hasn’t started yet.

This was the first time ever in my entire life that I saw a crazy old man yelling at inanimate objects who wasn’t immediately snatched up by the cops and thrown into a psycho ward.

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Continue reading "Do You Feel Lucky?" »

A couple of weeks ago, my comrade Isis hipped me to this pants-pissing hilarious article in Wonkette about this absurdly overwrought portrait by David Bugnon, glorifying recently-deceased rightist “journalist” Andrew Breitbart as a Nordic knight. Posters and postcards of this hysterical tribute were available for purchase at Patriot Depot, your one-stop shop for all your right-wing drama-queen kitsch needs, for the bargain price of $3999.95. (Such a deal! I’ll take two!)

Now, those of you who know me and my work know that there was no way in hell I could ever resist parodying this great heaping sloppy slab of fanboy bilge.

UPDATE: Confirming my suspicions — along with those of Photoshop artists and computer gamers everywhere — it’s been revealed in a subsequent Wonkette report that the aforementioned glorifying painting was, in fact, a third-rate Photoshop mashup composed of an “official” portrait of Little Andrew, the knight from the computer game Assassin’s Creed, and a stock photo of a glowing, leaden sky. This, of course, pushed the whole story from the absurd over the edge into the gloriously batshit.

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Continue reading "Andrew Breitbart: Fight" »

I had this flash of inspiration from a post by my comrade Owen Paine, who writes for Stop Me Before I Vote Again, where he quips in his trademark beat poetic fashion:

yes the ever more empty “fatal center”
where all hope plunges down and down toward citizen despair
and corporate joy

If you’re like me, you’ve heard the blabbing heads on TV mention the Democrats “reaching across the aisle” and “moving to the center” so goddamn’ many times it makes you want to put your head through a plate-glass window.

If you’re also like me, you do a massive facepalm every time the Democrats attempt another ill-advised and entirely lame “reach across the aisle” and end up being screwed, blued and tattooed by the GOP yet again. You’d think by now the Dems would have learned something about how “the Center” is a great bottomless time and energy-sucking maw of Hell, but apparently they have the learning capacity of a housefly — and if you know anything about houseflies, you know that’s damn’ near absolute zero.

With that in mind, I present the Democratic Party attempting to “move to the center” and “reach across the aisle” and having what I call a Wile E. Coyote Moment. You know how, in those old cartoons, the coyote is chasing the road runner across the top of a mesa, and the road runner — traveling at near supersonic speed — rockets effortlessly over the edge and across the gap to the top of the neighboring mesa while the coyote, recklessly following him, gets about halfway across and suddenly realizes he’s way the hell out there in the air all by himself, and right in that moment he thinks to himself “what the fuck am I…” just before he begins that long fall? Well, kind of like that.

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Continue reading "The Abyss" »