Finally, a Plan For Victory! Oh, sure, the GOP may not have any real plan — and the Democrats may be even worse — but at least the Bushites have the good sense to put up big signs all around the stage reading “Plan For Victory” whenever President Chimp gives a speech. All the Democrats have is Howard The Duck, living in a party he never made.

Seriously, the Bush Regime flacks must have assumed Americans are even stupider than they actually are to serve up that old Reagan-era bromide “Stay The Course” when, in fact, there were a goodly number of us who remember that load of bullshit from back when it was still fresh and steaming. The war in Iraq is shaping up to be a Fail even more epic than Vietnam, and all President Chimp can think of is to say “Stay The Course”. What was that old Pete Seeger song… “waist-deep in the Big Muddy, and the big fool says…”

In 1989, one Dr. Francis Fukuyama penned what had to be one of the most conceited loads of triumphalist blathering ever, The End Of History, in which he claims that the fall of the USSR and its satellite regimes in Eastern Europe heralded the end of the struggle between Good and Evil (aka Capitalism and Socialism, or the absurdly distorted, simplistic media images thereof). What I found especially laughable was Fukuyama’s treatment of the USA as a state that was somehow immune to collapse and above it all, the “winner” of the aforementioned struggle when, in fact, even as US politicians and pro-capitalist idealogues celebrated the victory of “freedom”, the first rumblings of the collapse of the USA could be heard in the form of NAFTA and George I’s initiation of renewed imperialist adventurism in Panama, Iraq, and Somalia.

The end of history? No, sorry, Dr. Fukuyama, what you heard in ‘89 was just the first shoe dropping. Seriously, Dr. F, didn’t you realize that if a regime the size of the USSR could end up as historical roadkill, it could just as easily happen to the USA? Jeezus, what is it with these goddamn’ Harvard jerks?

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This piece originally appeared in an exhibition of cartoons at the Provisions Gallery and Bookstore in Washington DC. During the Q&A in my obligatory “artist talks about his work” appearance at the opening, one concerned art lover asked, regarding this cartoon, whether or not this was really the kind of conservation message I wanted to send, to which I replied “Conservation message? What conservation message?”

This was no gasoline conservation message; this was a comment on the attitude of the millions of American men who were trying to show off how macho they were, “playing soldier” by driving Hummers around their hometowns while, in the meantime, thousands of real soldiers were dying in theirs in Iraq in an attempt to subjugate a nation and steal its resources. By this time, gasoline was nudging the three-dollar-a-gallon mark, and I was getting more than a little bit sick and tired of listening to fat, selfish Americans pissing and moaning about the price of gasoline, as if cheap gas was something they were somehow magically entitled to. I actually found myself rooting for gasoline to hit four or five dollars a gallon — something approaching the prices people have paid for years in Europe — just so I could see all those selfish, arrogant SUV drivers get a bit of well-deserved comeuppance.

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Yeah, sure, call me sick; ask me if I care. I’ll proudly admit to having laughed until I damn’ near wet my pants on hearing the news that President Chimp had nearly choked to death on a pretzel while watching football on TV at the White House, and that my first subsequent thought was “have another pretzel, George!”

I’d also like to take this moment to start spreading around a new expression, to signify that moment when a cocky, hubristic institution suddenly realizes, alas too late, that it’s bitten off more than it can chew and can’t stop itself choking: “Biting The Pretzel” …as in “whoa, Dubya’s really biting the pretzel in Iraq, huh?”

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So, President Chimp had his “Mission Accomplished” moment, and America got all cocky and full of itself — just in time for the city of Fallujah to burst out with a wave of resistance and fightback, culminating the the capture, execution of several Blackwater mercenaries, followed by the burning of the corpses, and their hanging from a bridge near the edge of town. Media reports translated the irate Iraqis’ chants into “Fallujah Is The Graveyard Of Americans”, but I have a sneaking suspicion that what they were actually chanting was “Four More Years!”

Finally, the Iraqis of the town of Fallujah had all they could stand, rose up and kicked American ass, starting with the aforementioned gang of Blackwater corporate mercenaries. For a good week, the news media continued to insist that those punks were “civilian contractors” despite eyewitnesses report that said “civilian contractors” were wearing Kevlar vests and packing automatic weapons. Finally, NBC finally broke down a week later and started calling them “civilian SECURITY contractors”, which is about as good as it gets for NBC. I suppose they were “contractors” in the sense that they had a contract with the US Regime, and were paid large amounts of money, but let’s face it — they were mercenaries, guys whose job it is to kill and be killed for whoever gives them the best deal.

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